The Loss of a Friend

Originally posted on Yahoo! 360 on July 19, 2006.

A year ago today I lost one of the best friends I have ever had. My 'heart dog' Rosco. It was one of the saddest days of my life.

I know some people just think of pets as a piece of property but to me they are a part of the family. Rosco was like one of my children and losing him was very hard on all of us. I could have never asked for a more wonderful furbaby to be a part of our lives. What a short time he spent on this earth. Only 6 1/2 years :-(. He deserved so much more than that.

http://www.geocities.com/chevymom0/roscospage.html

We adopted Rosco from the Michigan Humane Society in March 1999 when he was about 3 months old. I had visited all of the local shelters for months looking for that perfect pet. Rosco was from a litter of 5 beautiful Newfie/BC/Setter mix pups that had been on a farm, raised so far in a barn. I took each one out on a leash to see if we clicked or not. Rosco was the 3rd or 4th one that I took out. He walked out nicely with me for a dog who hadn't been on a leash before. As soon as he looked into my eyes I knew he was the one. He melted my heart!

He was so easy to housebreak! Two days and he was asking to go outside by standing staring at the back door. Of course I consider housebreaking my expertise! Anyway, it was soon clear that Rosco was afraid of everything. Did he bark? Never, unless someone threatened his territory by either coming towards the yard, or knocked on the door. He never barked for no reason. In fact, he would watch in amazement the neighbors dog barking at everything that moved and probably wondered what the heck they were barking at LOL. Rosco would never leave our yard, even if the gate was open and we were there calling him. Only when you put his leash on him did he go out of the yard. He was never taught this, he just did it. Never dug a hole, never got in the garbage, never jumped up on anyone or anything, never growled at anyone, didn't have a mean bone in his body. He never even flinched all the time he has had to have blood taken or tests done. Just sat there till they were done poking and prodding him, wagged his tail and gave them a lick.

He was afraid of a lot of things. We think he may have been abused. He was scared to death of men in general, but particularly of tall men in hats. Once right after we first got him my hubby came out of the garage and caught him off guard. He had a hat on and Rosco ran so fast the other way and actually wet himself. He was also afraid of bare floors after slipping on our kitchen floor once when he was a pup. After that we had to cover every bare spot with some type of rug or he would be totally paranoid and not come in the house. He was also afraid of the stairs and never even tried to go up or down them. Every time he went out the back door he would look down as if someone were going to come and get him. He was afraid of all the rooms in the house except the kitchen and living room. For a big black 126 lb dog, he was such a chicken. He was such a good dog though, never did anything wrong in his whole life. Once he chewed a piece of paper that was blowing around the yard and that's about it. You could leave food out right in front of his him and leave the room and he wouldn't touch it.

When he was 3 years old he had a seizure and was diagnosed with idiopathic epilepsy. It was a challenge getting his meds to help and for the next 3 1/2 years he was a 24 hour a day pet. Rosco had violent seizures. They did not render him imobile. He would bounce off the walls and we would have to try and hold him down to prevent him from reaching the stairs and falling down, or knocking over furniture on himself. They were simply awful to experience. He was on many drugs to control them, but the drugs also took a toll on his body. This has been my life for the past 3 years. What time does Rosco need to take his meds, what time will I be back from wherever, Rosco has to take his meds, I can't do that, Rosco has to take his meds, don't do that, you might cause a seizure. I have bottles, and bottles of meds here. Valium, both liquid to inject rectally and pill form, phenobarbatol, potasium bromide, antibiotic, steroids, all to control the seizures. And then something totally unrelated takes his life. It's just not fair.

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You know what, despite all the challenges that were ahead of us and all the hours and heartache that disease caused, he was still the best dog I've ever had in my life.

Early in July 2005 he started having problems walking. Just a little wobbly and stiff getting up. I figured it was the heat here since it's been so hot. He didn't seem to get any better though even when it got cooler for a week or so. We even took him camping with us when we went a few weeks before he passed away. I just stayed at the campsite with him since he couldn't walk to far. We put a big blue harness on him and helped him get up, and in and out of the camper. He got worse in the days following our camping trip so I took him to the vet for a bunch of blood tests. They were looking for an infection in his spinal column or something, but didn't find anything. They did find one thing with one of his meds and that it was higher than it should be in his blood stream. I cut the dose for that one down as his vet recommended but there was no improvement. This was on Friday and his regular vet was leaving for vacation for 10 days and said by the time she got back we should know if it was from the meds and if so we should see some improvement. By Monday Rosco couldn't even stand on his own, he was not getting better. I called the vet's office and talked to another vet who had seen Rosco on occasion and asked for his advice. I knew what he would say and I know what has to be done :-(.

Remembering the end....

July 19th, 2005

Today is the day I have to say goodbye to one of the best friend's I've ever had. I wake all through the night to see if he has moved yet, but he is still in the same spot I left him when I went to bed. He can't support the weight of his own body anymore. When he tries to stand, his whole back just twists until he collapses onto the floor. I finally get up at about 6 am. He still wags his tail a little bit when he hears us coming, or talk to him, but most times he can't even pick his head up off of the floor. This is such a hard decision. Maybe tomorrow would be the day when things turned around for him and he started getting better? How do you say goodbye to someone for whom your whole life has revolved for the last 3 years? Rosco keeps trying his best to get up. I know he has to go to the bathroom, since he hasn't gone since the day before in the afternoon. He has to be ready to bust. He is such a good boy though that he doesn't want to go in the house. I put newspapers under him and give him permission to go, but he won't. Every time he tries to get up he just falls back down and collapses on his side. His elbows are raw and a bit bloody from the weight of his 126 lb body falling on them over and over. You can still see the lovely spirit in his eyes when he looks at you though, and the love in his heart.

Rich had to go to work this morning, so Jordan and I will have one last day to spend with Rosco and tell him how much we love him. I will wait to take him to the vet until Rich can come with me. There really isn't any way for me to get him into the van myself anyway. I try and get Rosco up several times throughout the day to go potty. I know he has to go as he is crying to go out and trying to head for the door himself. I just can't get him up though, he is like a 126 lb. rag doll. Finally, with Jordan's help I make a sling and we manage to get him outside, guide him to the grass so he can go pee. He still has to find a favorite spot as always. As soon as he's done he guides us to turn around and head for the back door. Wow, that was totally exhausting for all of us. I am hand feeding him, and bringing him his bowl of water. It is a very hot day and he is very thirsty. I also feed him ice. For the most part, all he can do is lay on his side. He can't even seem to lay in an upright position anymore for more than a minute. Even when he does, he can't hold his head up in the air. He's just laying there with his tongue hanging out on the floor. Every time I go in there to see him I am crying. I get on the floor with him to give him a big hug, when he hears me he picks his head up to lick my face, as if to tell me it will be okay.

The day is just dragging and flying by so fast at the same time. My last day with him is very difficult. I count the minutes till Rich is supposed to be home, yet at the same time I dread each minute ticking by. Jordan is also spending as much time as he can telling Rosco how much he loves him. Each time he comes up from the basement I can see his eyes are red and puffy from crying. I know how hard this is for him, facing the death of his best buddy and companion for the last 6 years. Jordan has decided that he doesn't want to come to the vet with us. I think actually seeing his buddy die would be too much for him to take. I did let him know that whatever he wanted to do was fine with me. I would never stop him from coming if that's what he wanted to do, and I would never tell him he had to come if he didn't want to. He decided to go to his best friend's house instead.

The time is drawing near for Rich to be home from work. The sadness is almost too much to bear.

When Rich arrives home we prepare for that drive that I am regretting with everything I am. I have a sheet ready so that we can carry him to the van since he can't stand anymore. Rich and I try to get it under him and pick him up but we just can't. Our neighbor is outside and knows what is going on and comes to help. Even with the three of us it is a struggle picking him up and getting him in the van, but we finally manage. The sheet is covered in blood from his elbows. I can't stop crying on the way there. What if I'm making the wrong decision, what if he will be better tomorrow, what if......

We arrive at the vet, they know we are coming so they have a gurney ready for us and let us in the back way. It was pretty difficult to get him down off of the gurney and into the room. He is laying comfortably on the floor now with his head on my lap. I brought his ball with us because it is his favorite thing in the world. He can't even hold it anymore but I wanted it here anyway. The vet comes in to talk to us and he can see that Rosco is really suffering. There really is no question on what needs to be done. He explains what will happen and tells us we can be there with him or not, it's up to us. I had no question in my mind that I would be there with him till the very end. Rich says he's not sure if he can remain in the room, he is crying as well. Rich had just gotten out of the hospital on Sunday after suffering a stroke. It's been an awful week for all of us. Anyway, the vet goes out to get what he needs to get. Rosco has his head on my lap and I pet him and tell him that he is the best dog that anyone ever had. I tell him how happy we are that he was a part of our lives and brought us such joy. Tears will not stop....

My days felt empty for so long after he passes. I still miss him terribly. I'm sure he is in heaven now playing with the other dogs at Rainbow Bridge. In fact, I bet he's in charge of welcoming all the other furkids LOL.

http://rainbowsbridge.com/

We had Rosco cremated and brought his ashes home. Here is the Urn that Rich and Jordan made for him. He rests in a place of honor on my photo shelf in the living room. We took him camping with us the month after he passed.

One of the members of my canine epilepsy group sent me this poem:

Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep
I am with you still, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

When you waken in mornings hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of
Quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone
I am with you still, in each new dawn.

~*~ Pain You Can't See ~*~

There are no pictures of my pain :-(.

Most of you who know me know that I rarely talk about pain, but some days it overwhelms me.

I'm having one of those days where there is such pain in every area of my body that I wonder what it's doing to my insides. "I" can see it on my outside, even though for the most part I look pretty normal. Starting to get RA nodules on my joints and some will not straighten out anymore. Feet are swollen to about twice their normal size. I can't sleep anymore because of the pain. Waking 20 times a night or more doesn't make for a restful night's sleep. Tendons feel like they are going to snap whenever I have to move a joint. Stabbing and shooting pains are in every movable part of my body today.

RA is a disease in which my immune system thinks that my cartilege, tissues, tendons and organs are a disease and starts attacking them. It slowly eats away at you and causes permanent damage to your body. The meds that I take to try and control it can also destroy my body. Heart, kidney, and liver damage are only some of the side affects of the meds.

I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.

~ Rheumatoid Arthritis ~ Not Just The Joints~

How many times has someone said to you, "Why do you take all those drugs? Just tough it out." Or how often have you heard a newly diagnosed person say. "I am not taking all those pills, I can handle the pain." If pain were the only problem RA presented, many of us would not be taking any medication at all. But sadly, that's not the case. Rheumatoid arthritis is much more than stiff, painful joints. It does not just cause joint deformity if left untreated. It is a systemic disease, meaning it can attack all body systems. The usual weapon is inflammation.

This is presented not to scare you, but to make you fully aware of the power of rheumatoid arthritis. Here is a brief review of some of the body systems that RA can affect.

The Skin

Rheumatoid nodules form under the skin of about 25% of people with RA. These nodules tend to form near the joints; especially those joints subject to pressure, the elbows and wrists are common targets. Nodules may be single or multiple and vary from a few millimeters to 2 or more centimeters in size. Typically they come and go and are more of an annoyance than a problem. However on occasion they do ulcerate and infection becomes a concern. Nodules can also form in internal organs and on muscles and tendons.

Fragility is another common skin problem in people with RA. The skin becomes "thin" and bruising and tearing occurs. This can be further aggravated by the use of steroids. Vasculitis, inflammation of the blood vessels, can cause skin problems including rashes, lesions and pain. Vasculitis causes much of the organ involvement in RA; this is discussed with each system.

The Heart

Not even the heart is safe from the grasp of rheumatoid arthritis. Pericarditis, an inflammation of the heart lining, is the most frequent heart problem caused by RA. As many as 40%-50% of those with rheumatoid arthritis have some evidence of pericarditis noted on autopsy. However the actual number of people with pericarditis symptoms and clinical evidence is much smaller, probably around 2%. It usually occurs when arthritis is active and virtually only in those people who are seropostive.

An inflammation of the coronary arteries is shown in up to 20% of people with RA at autopsy, both heart block and myocardial infarction have been reported as fatal complications of this inflammation. Rheumatoid nodules can be present in any of the heart structures, and an inflammation of the heart muscle. The valves and other heart structures can also become inflamed.

The Lungs

Although RA targets females at a rate of 3 to 1 compared to males, males more often have some sort of lung involvement. Pleural effusion, an inflammation of the lining of the lung, is the most common lung problem in people with RA. Between 38% and 73% of people with RA have evidence of pleural effusion on autopsy. Although rheumatoid pleural effusions may not cause any symptoms, it is in many cases accompanied by chest pain, fever, or shortness of breath.

Another fairly common lung problem with rheumatoid arthritis is the formation of rheumatoid nodules in the lung. In one study, 77 people with RA were evaluated by high resolution CT scan of the chest, 17 of them were found to have some degree of nodules present in the lungs. Again, these can present without causing any symptoms. Interstitial lung disease (ILD) is another common lung manifestation of RA. Abnormalities suggestive of ILD are reported in 22% to 40% of people with RA. Other lung problems presented with RA include: Caplan's Syndrome, fibrosing alveolitis, pneumonitis and obliterative bronchiolitis.

The Kidneys

A decrease in kidney function can occur with RA. This is usually caused by an inflammation of the blood vessels of the kidney. It is usually mild, severe renal failure is rare in patients even with extensive rheumatoid vasculitis.

The Gastrointestinal Tract

The drugs we take to treat RA usually cause problems with the GI tract, however the disease itself, in rare cases, does involve the GI tract. This occurs when the blood vessels of the GI tract become inflamed, this is considered a very serious condition and must be treated aggressively.

The Nervous system

Nerve involvement in RA is very common, usually caused by inflammation of the joints or other structures pressing on or entrapping nerves. Carpal tunnel syndrome is a good example, the swelling of various structures in the wrist entrap the median nerve causing pain, numbness and tingling. Electromyographic (EMG) studies suggest that up to two-thirds of RA patients have evidence of median nerve compression in early disease. The same thing can occur around other joints. Rheumatoid vasculitis may cause a nerve condition with patchy loss of feeling in one or more extremities, often in association with wristdrop or footdrop.

The Muscles

Muscle weakness and wasting are prominent features of rheumatoid arthritis, causing as much functional disability as joint pain. The wasting occurs most often in connection with acutely inflamed joints, but weakness and muscle stiffness may be generalized.

The Bones

Osteopenia or loss of bone density occurs not just at the joints, but is widespread particularly in long-standing rheumatoid arthritis. This may relate to immobility, steroid usage, and postmenopausal status in women. Rheumatoid disease itself may contribute to it by stimulating osteoclast activity.

The Eye

Corneal and conjunctival manifestations are the most common ophthalmologic features of rheumatoid arthritis. Episcleritis is an inflammatory condition causing redness of the eye and mild pain. Scleritis is more painful and may result in visual impairment. Sjogren's Syndrome occurs frequently in those with RA, adding to the potential for eye problems. According to rheumatologist Barry Waters eye problems are fairly common, "20%-25% of my RA patients have had some sort of eye problems related to RA, however these are easily treated and rarely serious."

The Throat

The larynx contains a joint called the cricoarytenoid joint, just like any other joint, it can be attacked by rheumatoid arthritis. Inflammation of this joint may cause pain and hoarseness. In very severe cases this inflammation can constrict the airway making breathing difficult.

Non Specific Manifestations of RA

Anemia may be the most common extra-articular disease manifestation of RA. The degree of anemia is usually related to disease activity and improves with successful therapy. Dr. Susan Hoch states that as many as 80% of her patients with active RA have some degree of anemia. Other non-specific manifestations include lymph node enlargement, seen in up to 75% of people with RA. Felty's Syndrome, which involves an inflammation of spleen, can occur in those with long standing, severe RA. Malaise, a general flu like feeling, often occurs and may reflect systemic disease with inflammatory cytokine production. Low grade fevers and night sweats are also common features of RA.

As you can see, RA is so much more than achy joints. It is indeed a systemic disease with the potential to affect almost every part of the body it can even be fatal. "Deaths from RA are rare, but every rheumatologist has seen it happen," says Dr. Barry Waters. Early, aggressive treatment is our best weapon with which to fight our enemy, RA.

References:

THORACIC MANIFESTATIONS OF THE SYSTEMIC AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES, Clinics in Chest Medicine, Volume 19, Number 4, December 1998, Copyright © 1998 W. B. Saunders Company

Koopman: Arthritis and Allied Conditions, 13th ed., Copyright © 1997 Williams & Wilkins

Goldman: Cecil Textbook of Medicine, 21st Ed., Copyright © 2000 W. B. Saunders Company